Can you hear the chorus of “yes” heard around the planet?
Celebrating Supernatural -
23 Day Countdown Challenge
Day 17 - Episode 7
Theme - Dean Winchester's Journal
Soundtrack - Babe I'm Gonna Leave You by Led Zeppelin
People have called me a lot of things. A brother. A hero. The Righteous Man. A criminal. An obedient son. A corrupter. A boozer. A womanizer. A sinner. A rock star. An asshole. A protector.
Me? I just see myself as a big brother. I’m just some guy. A guy with one job – to protect my little brother. To protect my family. That’s it. That’s all I am. That’s all I know how to be.
I don’t know who the fuck I am. Because, really, I’m nothing without Sammy, without Cas, without my family. I don’t know how to be anything without them because there just isn’t anything worth living for without them. If they don’t exist, I don’t exist. In a world without them, I’m just.. I’m nothing.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
Sammy and I just had this case. Got a call from an old friend, Sonny. He runs this boy’s home I stayed at for a couple of months when I was a kid. Dad just left me there. And I didn’t care. I didn’t have to care. For once, it was just about me, about what I wanted. I actually spent some time there figuring out what I wanted for myself, who I wanted to be. Being a rock star sounded like a pretty freakin’ good idea. Life on the road, giving something to people. Just, you know, without the weight of the world and Heaven and fucking Hell on my shoulders. And I gave it all up, because that fantasy was meaningless without my family in it, without Sammy in it. I gave it all up because my little brother deserved better than me leaving him. Being there.. I was hiding from my dad, from the responsibility, from the weight. I was selfish. Leaving.. It was the right thing to do. It was always the right thing to do.
Anyway, there was this kid there. Timmy. Dorky little kid, didn’t really belong. Just..wanted to be loved, wanted to be someone. Wanted to matter, I guess. Turns out his mom was haunting the place. She couldn’t let go, couldn’t let him grow up, couldn’t let him fight his own battles. She wanted to be there to do it for him. And she hurt a lot of people. All in the name of love.
There was only one way to get her to stop. Only one way she was gonna be able to move on. And fucked if I ever forget what I told this kid.
“Sometimes you gotta do what’s best for you. Even if it’s gonna hurt the ones you love.”
What was best for Timmy was letting go of his mom. Letting her know that it was okay to let go herself. It was time for both of them to move on. And that kid’s gonna be hurting but, eventually, he’ll be okay. He’ll be free. And so will she.
I sat there, this kid clinging to me for dear life and I just.. I clung right back. This little kid saved himself. Chose what was best for him, what was right for him. And I know exactly what I said to him. I know what that means. I know exactly what the fuck that says about me. I know the truth of it. And I know. I fucking know that in the same situation, I wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t. I can’t. I can’t let go of Sammy. I can’t let go of Cas. I couldn’t let go of Bobby. Hell, I’m never gonna let go of mom and dad. Fucking.. Even when I try to let them go… I could put a million miles between me and Sam, between me and Cas, and I’m still gonna be holding on for dear life. The miles don’t matter. I can let them leave. I can push them out the goddamned door. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still holding on. A million miles between us and I’m still holding on. Because that’s what I do. Because that’s what I have to do to survive. It’s a fucking life raft that I can pull in when I get tired of treading water. And how fucked up is that? How fucked up am I? You know, I think I’m doing the right thing, saving lives, saving people who deserve to be saved. I thought I was saving Sammy. I thought I was saving Cas. I was really just digging us all our fucking graves. And I’ll drag us all into them. Because that’s what I do. Because I can’t let go. Because that’s not in me. Because I don’t want to be alone. Because I’d rather be dead than keep on living in a world without them.
I realize now… I know who I am. You know, I took to Timmy fast. I saw something of myself in him. The misery, clinging to the image of hero, trying to keep standing strong against villains with the power to tear you down… I thought that was me. But I know now. Maybe once, a long time ago, I was just that kid, too. I was scared and I was lost, and I needed a hero. But now.. Now, I’m just that ghost. That’s who I am. A ghost. Like Timmy’s mom. I stopped really living a long time ago. I’m just a specter, holding on to the spirits of the people I was trying to protect, sucking the life out of them, hurting them, destroying them, so that I could go on existing. That’s what I am. I’m a fucking monster.
I put an angel inside my brother because I couldn’t let go. I stopped Sam from completing the Trials and put him and the entire fucking world in danger because I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let him do what he needed to do. Because what he needed would have killed me, in every way that matters. In every way that would have kept me breathing. And I’m selfish. I’m so fucking selfish. I begged for Cas to stay with me for the better part of year, and the second - the second - I had him, I pushed him out, only to drag him back in again because I just can’t let him go. This is just what I do. It’s this cycle, this disease. And in the end – everything just fucking breaks.
I hurt everyone I love, all the people I keep trying to save, because it’s what’s best for me. Because I’m selfish. Because it keeps me alive. And the whole idea of being “alive” is just so goddamned trivial because how the fuck can you live when everything inside of you is dead? All this is just wrong. I’m wrong. And I know that. But what else am I supposed to do? They don’t deserve to die. They don’t deserve any of the shit that gets thrown on them. They shouldn’t have to suffer. And I try. God knows, I try to have good intentions. I try to do it for the right reasons. But what kind of shit is that? I never asked Sam what he wants. I never asked Cas what the fuck he wants, from me or anything else. I just chose for them. Because I was doing the righteous thing. I was saving them. But I’m not. And I didn’t. And all of this. All of this shit we’ve been dragged down into. Everything. It’s my fault. I hurt everyone I love doing what’s best for them, but really doing what’s best for me. And what I think is best for me, fucking breaks me. I hurt everyone I love, and I hurt myself, too. And I don’t know how to stop because I have nothing, I am nothing without Sam, without Cas, without Charlie, without Kevin. And I keep trying to fucking let go, but I’m just holding on tighter than ever. And it’s getting everyone fucking killed. And I’m dying. I’m just.. I am.
Sam’s been begging me to let go for the longest time. And I know he’s grateful for what I’ve done for him. He’s grateful now that he’s seen the life I lived without him. The life I gave up for him. But hearing him say that, hearing him thank me for what I’ve done for him – it fucking kills me. Because he doesn’t know what I’ve done to him. And when he does find out, nothing good I ever did will matter anymore. I hurt him to save him, because that was the right thing to do. It was what I wanted. What I needed. And it’s brought me nothing but a world of pain. And that hole inside me is just gonna keep growing, and everything is gonna keep breaking, and no one is really gonna be saved. Nobody gets to be happy at the end of this story. I made sure of that.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. It’s hard to put into words something you’ve done your entire life without even realizing it – destroying everyone you’ve ever loved, everyone you just wanted to save. And I just keep thinking about Timmy and the way he held on to me like a life raft, like I was some kind of hero. And I keep thinking about how I hold on to everyone I love the same way. Because without them, I’m just gonna gratefully fuckin’ drown. And then there’s that part of me, the little kid inside me – the little four year old that just got devastated in the waste of the fucking destiny – that wants someone to cling to, that needs someone to save him. I need someone to save me. Because I can’t save myself. I can’t save myself from this disease, from what I am and what I do. I won’t. I don’t deserve it. I never have. I’m only alive to satisfy everyone else.
And I’m just so fucking sorry that I keep hurting everyone. I’m just sorry.
Back to Episode 6